No one expects Satan’s footwear of choice to really give a damn what gross, tasteless anti-art gets slapped over it in the name of fashion, and today’s installment of “Crocs really fucking needs to stop because my innards are imploding at the thought of any of this hideous, hole-punched crap tainting my feet” just confirms what we already know: We’re doomed and this vile lump of projectile barf with an ankle strap will sell out in seconds.
And how do we know this? History. Grim, regret-drenched history. There was the pink, wedge-heeled choice from Balenciaga; the atrocity designed by Post Malone that looked like a parade of anemic bug carcasses after an exterminator had a go at them; the hunger-abating hate-fuck with KFC that resembled deep-fried coyote penises; and more recently, the fast-acting, sartorial emetic that was Justin Bieber‘s second round of factory-extruded hatred with a rocking motion. And now there’s a collab between Hidden Valley Ranch and Crocs.
via The Takeout:
Hidden Valley Ranch and Crocs have teamed up to create the Hidden Valley Ranch x Crocs Classic Clog.
According to a press release sent to The Takeout, the brands have teamed up with California streetwear brand The Hundreds for the drop. The release explains that the “off-white-colored Classic Clog” features little green speckles to look just like Hidden Valley Ranch. The brands write: “Just like ranch dressing, these clogs can go with everything if you love them enough.”
The green, herby speckles really put this mess over the top, but what’s more upsetting is that I just found this:
Update: The Hidden Valley Ranch x Crocs collaboration pre-sale is sold out but will be available for purchase on https://t.co/eB2Z1F3VIW in Late 2021.
Sign up to keep up to date at: https://t.co/X0XAUqk2B4
— Crocs Shoes (@Crocs) May 19, 2021
And here is someone who not only admitted to ordering them but calls herself “Crocs Queen.” This is why insects (not Post Malone’s) will, and should, one day rule the planet:
Your girl just got the @Crocs and @HVRanch Collab
pic.twitter.com/YH7zToqDzV
— Crocs Queen (@ra_quel_quel) May 19, 2021
Pic: Twitter/The Takeout