Susan Orlean is a longtime New Yorker writer who is probably best known for writing the novel, “The Orchid Thief”, which was loosely adapted for the screen and inspired the movie “Adaptation.”, where she was portrayed by Meryl Streep in one of Meryl’s 78 Oscar-nominated performances. However, it was Susan who was giving the performance of a lifetime on Friday after a bunch of her Pinot Grigio-covered drunken tweets went viral. Relate: We all can!
According to Entertainment Weekly, Susan kicked off her weekend innocently enough by posting a solemn and SOBER note about Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who recently revealed that her cancer had returned. However, four hours later, she tweeted the word “Drunk” and then followed it up by explaining that she had visited her neighbors to see their newborn colt and that “we had some wine.” Yes, I too just pictured Susan and that newborn colt getting wasted on wine. Where’s that newborn colt’s drunken tweets?
What followed over the next few hours was an iconic drunken tweet spree where drunk Susan got a craving for candy and ended up with fennel seed candy. Here’s some of Susan’s gradual descent into the drunken literary canon:
Thank you for your support duri t this difficult time all misspellings are mine totally
— Susan Orlean (@susanorlean) July 18, 2020
I’m sure my neighbors did not notice AT ALL that I was stumbling drunk leaving f the casual neighborhood get together fuck yeah
— Susan Orlean (@susanorlean) July 18, 2020
Ok a newborn colt rocks it totally and he thought my hand was his mom. It was not. He has tasted life’s infinite tragedy. As I mentioned Earlier I am inebriated
— Susan Orlean (@susanorlean) July 18, 2020
You guys. Do you tho k my neighbors think
I’m a. never mind I’m going f to bed
— Susan Orlean (@susanorlean) July 18, 2020
I’m a. never mind I’m going f to bedMaybe I am drinking too much during THE FUCKING PANDEMIC
— Susan Orlean (@susanorlean) July 18, 2020
I’m falling down drunk. First time in ages. Where is my kitty? He is my drunk comfort animal.
— Susan Orlean (@susanorlean) July 18, 2020
Proud fo day my husband is super embarrassed by me
— Susan Orlean (@susanorlean) July 18, 2020
I am@being shunned by my family because I am drunk. Yes ok I am fine with that FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FUCKERS
— Susan Orlean (@susanorlean) July 18, 2020
No one on my house is talking to me right now ok!! YeH whatever I hzte you too
— Susan Orlean (@susanorlean) July 18, 2020
Fuck the recycling. Going to look for candy which I bet doesn’t exists I. This house godd@@ Min it
— Susan Orlean (@susanorlean) July 18, 2020
We do ha e so@e weird candy coated fennel seeds. Is that fucking candy?
— Susan Orlean (@susanorlean) July 18, 2020
Having I f the stupid fennel seed candy because I ha e no options
— Susan Orlean (@susanorlean) July 18, 2020
I am goi f to sleep. My husband has asked me five hundred rimes@if I am alright. That means it’s go to sleep o’clock
— Susan Orlean (@susanorlean) July 18, 2020
I don’t know if this is Susan’s attempt at a performance art Twitter piece, or if she is just another example of how famous people really are just like us, but either way, I am HERE for it.
And when the drunks wore off and Susan woke up in the morning, she realized that she started a feud with fennel seeds.
I have a horrible feeling I slandered fennel seeds last night.
— Susan Orlean (@susanorlean) July 19, 2020
Fennel seed candy has yet to respond, so who knows if it will accept Susan’s semi-sort-of-apology or tell her to keep its name out of her mouth, which shouldn’t be hard since Susan Orlean hates fennel seed candy.
Pic: Instagram