When I mention Christmas, what do you think of first? If you replied “Shitty holiday rom coms and copious amounts of alcohol to drown out my stupid family’s near-constant bickering”, then I’ve got some great news for you. The Hallmark Channel has announced a new Christmas-themed wine collection, designed as perfect pairings with all the quality cinema Hallmark churns out every year.
So far this “collection” consists of just two vintage wines, which, according to Us Weekly, “will undoubtedly put you in a festive mood from the first sip.” It fucking better, Us Weekly, or I’ll see your ass in court. To quote Jessica Mulroney, “Liable”.
Their red wine is called “Jingle”, a Cabernet Sauvignon from the extremely vintage year of 2018. The Hallmark Channel Wines website describes it as “rich, merry, and fully textured with profound dark fruit.”
The second wine, 2019’s “Joy” is a Sauvignon Blanc with “juicy, fresh and lively citrus fruit flavors come alive in a joyous finish.” Mmmm, I like the sound of “a joyous finish”. Thank you, Santy Claus.
Here’s the commercial:
If you get twelve or more bottles SHIPPING IS INCLUDED. I went ahead and ordered fifty. Can’t wait to kick back, pop open one of these babies, and spend 90 minutes watching a C-lister like Candace Cameron Bure slowly fall in love with a small-town white boy Bachelor type.
The real question is, how will Netflix and their craptacular Christmas movies top this? Perhaps a special line of holiday weed? Let’s go with a sativa called “Happy Holidaze”, and an indica called “Mistlestoned” (you know I Googled those puns). It’s perfect because marijuana is the only way I could watch “A Christmas Prince.” Know your audience, Netflix!
Pic: YouTube